Naked Noodle Ramen Noodle Soup Laksa

Aaaaaaaaargh! Ponsy overpriced crap!

The flavour is disgusting. Plastic, perfume, vomit, bad processed cheese, and car polish. Unbelievable! And not very strong (thankfully), so it's this vague vomity mush. Needs salt. But that doesn't help - that just makes the vomity perfume taste come forward a little more. Gagh! This has to be the world's worse. Was this the flavour they really intended. Unbelievable!

Now this is an expensive instant noodle. You pay for the packaging and the marketing. And lots of flavour powder. You can get authentic Asian made instant MSG noodles for between 20 and 40p, depending on where you're buying, and how many you buy. An average price is 33p. This perfumed ponsy vomit costs £1. Three times as much as normal. Though, fair do, all British made noodles are expensive. And container noodles do cost more because you pay for the container.

This ponsy plastic crap is a ramen rather than an instant noodle. A ramen is a noodle soup. Though in America - where they are often wrong - they think ramen means instant noodle. Let's be clear on this. Noodles are stringy wheat paste things. Like spaghetti. Soup is a liquidy thing. Like - well - soup. Now, you can have noodles in a soup. And that's a noodle soup. Asians call that ramen. But if your noodles are not swimming in flavoured water, then they are noodles. You can turn any noodles into a soup by adding lots and lots of water. That doesn't mean they'll taste any better, but you'll notice the difference. When you open a can of spaghetti, you'll notice some moisture. Indeed, in some cheap tinned spaghetti you'll notice a fair amount of thin liquid. But that's not a soup. Open a can of soup and see the difference.

Got it? Ramen is soup. Instant noodles are dried noodles.

This ponsy crap is ramen. Or - rather - as the makers call it: "ramen noodle soup". That's like calling it "soup soup". Or "instant noodles instant noodles". Bah.

The flavour is laksa, which is a spicy noodle soup from the Peranakan culture. It's supposed to be a coconut curry. A bit like a korma. And this does have coconut milk and coriander and cumin and chill (proper ingredients). It comes in a ponsy box which is meant to look like a New York Chinese takeaway box. Inside the box is the waxed cup to hold the noodle soup, and a folded in half plastic fork. The instructions are wrong, so at some point they must have changed the design, but didn't bother to change the instructions.

Why a fork? Some pre-cooked convenience foods come with a fork, so you can eat them out in the park. But this one needs boiling water - so you need to be in a kitchen for that. And kitchens have forks.

The noodles are made by Symington's, a Leeds based company founded in 1827 that produces a range of brands including Campbells soup, Aunt Bessies, Mug Shot instant noodles, and Chicken Tonight.


Score: 2

Symington's

Super Noodles are Crap

Super Noodles are not super, they are crap.

Batchelors were formed in 1895 by a tea salesman, William Batchelor. Initially they sold tinned peas, but then moved into dried soups. They make Cup a Soup. They are owned by Premier Foods, who have bought up several other famous British brands, such as Oxo, Hovis, Sharwoods and Cadbury.

One of their flavours is. Mild curry! Yes, Mild. That sums them up. Super Noodles are not for real noodle fans - the filthy brigade, they are for the softy middle-class wannabes. Young, shy and nervous boys who would like to be a bit wild and naughty, but can't actually face the real smut of a Pot Noodle. So they get an over-priced packet of bland shite and eat that. Poor sods. Virgins all. Not man enough to grab themselves a real woman, they eat their "Super" Noodles while drooling over Page 3 porn. They are to be pitied, and Batchelors are to be despised for exploiting them.

What is wrong with these "Super" Noodles?

The name for a start. It's just so wrong. Instant noodles are filth from the gutter - they are pot, cup, packet, dustbin, soiled boot, or naughty noodles, they are not and never will be "super". For that implies real food. Instant noodles are the opposite of real food.....

The price is wrong. Why do Batchelors charge twice as much for the same wheat flour paste and chemical dust that the others have? Perhaps because they actually put in more chemicals than the others? Shite chemicals.

You have to cook the fucking things! Yes. Not instant at all. You have to measure out boiling water (how is that possible? As soon as you pour it into a measuring jug the water stops boiling!), and then cook in a pan or in the microwave. Sod that. Proper noodles are made just by pouring on boiling water and stirring. End of. Shut up and eat. Don't stand there in the kitchen stirring your bloody noodles in your pansy apron and chefs hat as if you were Gordon Fucking Ramsay.

They taste like crap. They don't taste filthy. They just taste bland and soggy. "Mild" curry for fuck's sake. This is noodles for wimps who don't like to taste the real filth of a bad boy noodle. For the first time in my life I had to add salt to an instant noodle.

They are crap. They contain the wrong sort of chemical shite. So you get all the nasty things in your body, but without any of the pleasure. These tame, tasteless noodles are more likely to give you cancer of the bowels than regular filthy noodles, but you have none of the fun.

Super Noodles are sold in bigger amounts than the average packet nood: 150g per pack.

The full range: Super Noodles. It is not stated where they are made, though recently packets marked "Low Fat" have been made in Germany. Most of Premier Foods UK factories are for their bakery products. Ashford is the dry goods site, though Super Noodles are not listed as being one of the products made there. Oxo is made in Worksop.  The company has been struggling financially for the past few years. It was delisted by Tesco for a while, for trying to off-load its debt by increasing prices. It is now cutting suppliers, and demanding £5,000 each from those who want to remain in business with them.

It's clearly not just a crap product, it's also made by a crap company.

Hall of horror

(top to bottom - most horrid way down below)

Batchelors Super Noodles Steak Fajita

Score: 5

Aromatic Thai Green Curry 

Score: 3

 Sizzling King Prawn

Score: 3

Steak & Ale Pie

Score: 3

Mild Curry

Oh please don't hurt me with a real curry Mr Batchelors. Make mine mild....

Chow Mein

Tasteless crap

Roast Beef & Onion

Usual bland nonsense - but I like the onion flavour

BBQ Beef

Not too different to the Roast Beef - there's that onion flavour again.

Southern Fried Chicken

Floury pasta-type noodles. Sort of a tomato paste flavour with synthetic chicken flavouring, like chicken flavour crisps. A modest warmth. 

Batchelors Super Noodles Bacon Flavour

Bacon sounds like such a great idea for noods. Open up the flavour packet and the wonderful aroma of synthetic smoked bacon wafts up. But by the time you've added the water and given it a stir it's all gone to pot. Bland and floury. You need to add salt to get through it, otherwise it's like eating cotton wool.

Batchelors Super Noodles Thai Green Curry

Bland and floury. There's a hint of the Thai Curry, but mostly this is flour and water. Stodgy.

Batchelors Super Noodles Chicken & Mushroom Flavour

Floury and stodgy, Boring noodles that you have to work through. And then you get the powdery  flavouring which is just a bit too chemical tasting.

Batchelors Super Low Fat Noodles Chicken & Herb Flavour

Score: 1

Batchelors

Need 4 Noodles

Just found another instant noodle blog -  http://need4noodles.blogspot.co.uk/  - but he's now stopped, as he's just been told  - shock alarm - that instant noodles are NOT GOOD FOR YOU!

Shame.

He has a useful Glossary section,  which explains some of the chemicals that are used in instant noodles (yes, instant noodles (in-noods?) have more chemicals than fresh ingredients), and a Noodle News section (in-noods are taking over the world!). He also has a nifty Noodle League, where he lists his favourite noodles, which are based on a criteria of post meal feeling (as if you've just eaten greasy salt?), authenticity (WTF?), and environmental awareness (OMG!).

I think it's a shame he's stopped, as it's a readable and attractive blog.


Looks like he's changed from WordPress to Blogger at some point, as some of his links go to a closed WordPress blog.

Koka Beef Flavour

I love the little packet of "artificial beef flavouring" - it has pictures of cows on it. Just in case you weren't sure what "beef" was. But it doesn't taste much of beef - more like Marmite and herby tomato. But that makes it even better. The key point of instant noodle flavours is that they should just fail to taste like what they are supposed, and should instead taste of chemicals and artificial flavouring. That just makes them even dirtier. And the best instant noodle is a dirty instant noodle. This is so dirty it tastes like a cow's shitty arse. Mmmm.

Dare: Oct 2013    Score: 5/10

 

Koka Noodles

Beef flavoured

Koka Curry Flavour

Yeah, it works. Nuff said. 

Well, could do with a bit more oomph in the flavour department. But, it's alright. 


Date: April 2024   Score: 7

Some flavours are just perfect for instant noodles. Curry is one of them. Curry Pot Noodles is a classic, and is probably the instant noodle more than any other responsible for turning people onto this delicious food, Now this Koka curry is a decent one - plenty of heat and "curry" flavour, but I do miss the mango chutney that you get with Pot Noodles - a bit of cooling sweetness to offset the heat.  That's a let down.  So, spanked bottties all round for the Koka team. 


Date: Oct 2013   Score: 5 

Koka Noodles

Best curry flavour instant noodles

The slag of all snacks

   

Warning! This advert causes offence!

Pot Noodle - the slag of all snacks

Very satisfying.....

The best of the slags

Koka Vegetable Flavour

Don't be put off by the notion of "vegetable flavour", these noodles are packed with salt and MSG, and taste just as dirty as all the others. The added bonus is that there are GREEN things floating in the greasy broth. There is no truth to the rumour that the makers, Tat Hui Foods, get Singapore tramps to sneeze snot into the flavouring packet. I think.

Boy these are tasty. Even the snot tastes good. 

Date: Oct 2013   Score:  6

Koka Noodles

Noodles in the media

Tat Hui Foods of Singapore - makers of Koka instant noodles, have produced a press release called The Noodle Revolution.

Apparently the  "revolution" is using natural flavourings instead of monosodium glutamate (MSG). And they have only 1% fat content instead of the average 20%.

Hmmm. I think if I want natural and healthy instant noodles, I might just make myself a stir fry. After all, with the ready cut stir fries and stir fry sauces you can pick up at the supermarket, it's just as quick and easy as making instant noodles.

Part of the joy and pleasure of the instant noodle is the spicy MSG and the greasy texture and taste.

Down with the Noodle Revolution!


The Instant Noodle War

Koka Chicken Flavour

We had a little taste test (we love doing taste tests in our family) with this Koka Chicken, Nissin Sesame, and Vifon Curry. We all had this Koka Chicken as our favourite of the three. 

Soft yet firm noodles with a delicate wheaty flavour. The chicken flavouring is salty yet balanced and is not too strong nor too weak. It is not really identifiable as chicken - there's salt, a light soya, and some vaguely savoury notes. But it somehow works. It's not delightful, but it works. 

Ingredients haven't really changed since 2013 - Noodles: Wheat flour, palm oil, and salt. Flavouring powder: Salt, chicken flavouring (wheat, soya), flavouring E621 (which is monosodium glutamate), sugar, soya protein, chives, and spices. 

  

Date: Aug 2023   Score: 6 

The flavouring is not as intense and interesting as the Lobster. There's the artificial chicken flavour, some salt, and some monosodium glutamate, and it's all quite powdery and chemical tasting as one would hope, and the noodles are finely bland and chewy like well soaked string, so it's very enjoyable, but there's none of the rush or excitement or exoticism (now there's a word!) of the Lobster. This is cheap and nasty and familiar, so it's OK, but for something special, go for the Lobster.

Koka instant noodles are made by Tat Hui Foods of Singapore.

Ingredients: Wheat flour, palm oil, salt. Flavour pack: Salt. monosodium glutamate, artificial chicken flavouring, soya bean extract and spices.


Date: Oct 2013   Score: 5

Koka Noodles

The best Chicken flavour instant noodles

Koka Lobster Flavour

Great!

Firm, bland and wheaty noodles with a strong processed flavouring which is like peppery chicken with a whiff of old fish oil. Easy to eat. Nothing tastes fresh. Everything tastes re-hydrated and salty and BAD FOR YOU!

King nooodles!

The packet comes with the usual slab of pale, dried noodle. There's a twin packet, One side contains the soup base (dried powder consisting of salt and monosodium glutamate) and  the other side contains the flavouring oil - a white goo that holds unspecified lobster flavouring and spices. As with every other instant noodle that I have seen, the contents are veggie. I have read on the internet that only one brand is veggie - all the others contain meat. This doesn't seem to apply to the UK market. Or perhaps the information is out of date.

These are very yummy and very moreish. I want another pack!

Date: Oct 2013   Score: 8 

Koka Noodles

Noodles!!

I love Pot Noodles.  And my local corner shop has shelves full of instant noodles. Which is Pot Noodles but without the pot! And he has a deal: three packets for a £1.

So I'm going for it!

Wikipedia article on instant noodles.

World Instant Noodles Association

Ramen Rater. The main Noodle blog

Ramenate - another noodle blog.