Super Noodles are Crap

Super Noodles are not super, they are crap.

Batchelors were formed in 1895 by a tea salesman, William Batchelor. Initially they sold tinned peas, but then moved into dried soups. They make Cup a Soup. They are owned by Premier Foods, who have bought up several other famous British brands, such as Oxo, Hovis, Sharwoods and Cadbury.

One of their flavours is. Mild curry! Yes, Mild. That sums them up. Super Noodles are not for real noodle fans - the filthy brigade, they are for the softy middle-class wannabes. Young, shy and nervous boys who would like to be a bit wild and naughty, but can't actually face the real smut of a Pot Noodle. So they get an over-priced packet of bland shite and eat that. Poor sods. Virgins all. Not man enough to grab themselves a real woman, they eat their "Super" Noodles while drooling over Page 3 porn. They are to be pitied, and Batchelors are to be despised for exploiting them.

What is wrong with these "Super" Noodles?

The name for a start. It's just so wrong. Instant noodles are filth from the gutter - they are pot, cup, packet, dustbin, soiled boot, or naughty noodles, they are not and never will be "super". For that implies real food. Instant noodles are the opposite of real food.....

The price is wrong. Why do Batchelors charge twice as much for the same wheat flour paste and chemical dust that the others have? Perhaps because they actually put in more chemicals than the others? Shite chemicals.

You have to cook the fucking things! Yes. Not instant at all. You have to measure out boiling water (how is that possible? As soon as you pour it into a measuring jug the water stops boiling!), and then cook in a pan or in the microwave. Sod that. Proper noodles are made just by pouring on boiling water and stirring. End of. Shut up and eat. Don't stand there in the kitchen stirring your bloody noodles in your pansy apron and chefs hat as if you were Gordon Fucking Ramsay.

They taste like crap. They don't taste filthy. They just taste bland and soggy. "Mild" curry for fuck's sake. This is noodles for wimps who don't like to taste the real filth of a bad boy noodle. For the first time in my life I had to add salt to an instant noodle.

They are crap. They contain the wrong sort of chemical shite. So you get all the nasty things in your body, but without any of the pleasure. These tame, tasteless noodles are more likely to give you cancer of the bowels than regular filthy noodles, but you have none of the fun.

Super Noodles are sold in bigger amounts than the average packet nood: 150g per pack.

The full range: Super Noodles. It is not stated where they are made, though recently packets marked "Low Fat" have been made in Germany. Most of Premier Foods UK factories are for their bakery products. Ashford is the dry goods site, though Super Noodles are not listed as being one of the products made there. Oxo is made in Worksop.  The company has been struggling financially for the past few years. It was delisted by Tesco for a while, for trying to off-load its debt by increasing prices. It is now cutting suppliers, and demanding £5,000 each from those who want to remain in business with them.

It's clearly not just a crap product, it's also made by a crap company.

Hall of horror

(top to bottom - most horrid way down below)

Batchelors Super Noodles Steak Fajita

Score: 5

Aromatic Thai Green Curry 

Score: 3

 Sizzling King Prawn

Score: 3

Steak & Ale Pie

Score: 3

Mild Curry

Oh please don't hurt me with a real curry Mr Batchelors. Make mine mild....

Chow Mein

Tasteless crap

Roast Beef & Onion

Usual bland nonsense - but I like the onion flavour

BBQ Beef

Not too different to the Roast Beef - there's that onion flavour again.

Southern Fried Chicken

Floury pasta-type noodles. Sort of a tomato paste flavour with synthetic chicken flavouring, like chicken flavour crisps. A modest warmth. 

Batchelors Super Noodles Bacon Flavour

Bacon sounds like such a great idea for noods. Open up the flavour packet and the wonderful aroma of synthetic smoked bacon wafts up. But by the time you've added the water and given it a stir it's all gone to pot. Bland and floury. You need to add salt to get through it, otherwise it's like eating cotton wool.

Batchelors Super Noodles Thai Green Curry

Bland and floury. There's a hint of the Thai Curry, but mostly this is flour and water. Stodgy.

Batchelors Super Noodles Chicken & Mushroom Flavour

Floury and stodgy, Boring noodles that you have to work through. And then you get the powdery  flavouring which is just a bit too chemical tasting.

Batchelors Super Low Fat Noodles Chicken & Herb Flavour

Score: 1

Batchelors